No More Happy Ending
by goddessa39
Summary: Buffy's thougths post Graduation while she is dating again. 'They can't see beyond the facade.' 'They acen't trusted me since...' BA, but sad. bf friendshipish. Not good w summaries


**"My Happy Ending" **

_So much for my happy ending  
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...  
_

I remember when I shoved the sword through him. It was like squishy innards, and it felt like it went through me as well.

It didn't of course. Actually, it went into him easier then butter.

I don't know how I did it. I just pushed it into him, and it bent to my will.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't done it. But other times, like when I remember how he just walked away, I am glad I got to hurt him like he hurt me.

_  
Let's talk this over  
It's not like we're dead  
Was it something I did?  
Was it something You said?  
Don't leave me hanging  
In a city so dead  
Held up up so high  
On such a breakable thread_

He left. He told me he would soon, and after one of the hardest battles of my life, he did so. The image of him walking off and fading into the smoke between the two fire trucks parked outside of the burned-to-a-crisp old high school; it still remains in the front of my mind.

When they aren't looking, I will feel something, and glance out the window. I sometimes hope that it is him, but I sense that it is a simple fledgling.

No, I don't sense the fledgling. I just simply sense that it is not Him, and the He is over in LA, trying to earn redemption or some shit like that.  
  
_You were all the things I thought I knew  
And I thought we could be  
  
[Chorus:]  
You were everything, everything that I wanted  
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it  
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away  
All this time you were pretending  
So much for my happy ending  
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh..._

It wasn't my choice to let the world keep turning around society. [Like they even] knew what that freedom of living everyday-lives had cost him.

_You've got your dumb friends  
I know what they say  
They tell you I'm difficult  
But so are they  
But they don't know me  
Do they even know you?  
All the things you hide from me  
All the shit that you do_

They don't see it. But I know. After the Angelus period of time, and my 17th birthday, they never trusted me with anything. They constantly ask me the 'are you alright' or 'What's the matter' questions.

I always figured I would get it from my mom. But my friends are doing it as well. My watcher, father-figure, mentor is looking at me like I have just ignored something.

Oh no, what have I missed?

But he turns back to the others and starts to talk on. I drone anything that my slayer doesn't hear out.

Something about another apocalypse, and a demon Vishnar or something. I don't know. The slayer will remember what she needs to know I hope. Sometimes I forget that she loves Angel just as Angelus loves me. Only she was once human, and now is the essence, soul, and a primal force of my blood.

And Faith's. But she is in the coma.

I put my sister in a coma for going after my mate. Am I sorry I went after her for hurting him? I dunno.

If he would have died there, then I would leave the world as well, and I could die in his arms, with his name upon my lips.

But now, he left me to die alone. Alone. There's that word again. And It's is all I ever am really. He left, and I let my sister fade out.

I hope she wakes up soon. If she does, I will fix things up for her. I will bury myself into her until she knows why I did it.

She killed two men in cold blood. But the reason was a man that was coming to them with information, who she staked.

I tried to help her, but she thought it was her fault. She felt dirty and wrong. And wanted to die. Faith thought I was pushing her away, and changed sides.

But I was there trying to help her the whole way. It was Willow and the others that were starting to avoid her like the plague.

She thought that I was all my friends, and so I had left her. But I was there, with her, and my friends had left us. But they had been gone from me truly since I left Sunnydale, and since Xander lied.

I hear from a friend of mine in LA. Her name is Anne now, but I still call her lily. She told me that Gunn is down there working in AI now. He won't spill what he knows about me though. She told me (form him) that Cordy is on her pedestal in her mind, and wont shut up about how I get everything without having to name it.

She's full of shit. Why can't anyone else see it?

You were all the things I thought I knew  
And I thought we could be

I sometimes wonder how things would be different, if Xander would have just told me, or if I had let the world go to hell. I would at least be with my Angel.

Now I am in hell, because I am not with him. I am always his girl- I promised that and I live by it. But he has forsaken me. He has up and left me to this world that is worse then hell without him.

Huh. The powers, they're cruel. They let him take the day back... No I won't think about that now.

I look at Giles, who is still talking, and try to listen in. "End of the world" I hear.

"Just another one..." I hear Xander say as something in Willow's face flickers. She looks at me a minute, and when she sees that I am listening to Giles, she goes back to her own listening, and ignores my inner thoughts as always. Not that I expected her to know anything about them anymore.

The closest I had gotten to her was when I told her that I couldn't breath. Well, oxygen flows in and out of my lungs, giving me what I need, but my lungs don't pump it. It just flows, as if it is a sign that the powers want me whether I like it or not.

_  
[Chorus]  
  
It's nice to know you were there  
Thanks for acting like you cared  
And making me feel like I was the only one  
It's nice to know we had it all  
Thanks for watching as I fall  
And letting me know we were done  
_

He just... left. I still can't believe it. After all we went through- after all I went through just to keep him with me, and by my side. To keep him alive.... And he just turns his back on all of that.

_[Chorus x2]  
  
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh..._

It's official now. I am dating Riley Finn, and am seemingly in the perfect relationship. He apparently has no problems with my nightly duties, and is even a commando, so he can hold his own. There is a bunch of other shit that is going through my head, but I can't sort any of it out now.

None of that is the truth though.

When I sent my lover, my husband, my soul mate to hell, I built a façade up, and tested it out when I came back.

Then I found him in the forest, and it slipped away. I desperately clinged to it, so the gang wouldn't see what I had been reduced to. It worked, until Xander had to do it again. He followed me and said some shit about how we were all over each other. They confronted me, but I didn't get a word in.

So they never believed me- and whatever trust they had in me slipped away. Just like that.

Faith was the only one who would understand, and I had to help Angel.

That year in hell went so quick. But I remember all of the details.

I just have to wonder now... what is to come? I am in a relationship with a guy who I don't even like- I loathe him in fact. But I am doing this because Willow told me to, and I can't stand being under her gaze constantly. While I have Riley, she looks at me like an equal.

But if I am single or something, she expects me to do something about it like she thinks everyone else would do.

None of them understand.

But I go hunting, and I fight. With Angel, Faith's H & H theory was correct. But it doesn't work with Riley at all. But I go to bed with him anyways. I pretend a relationship that exists with a façade. How much worse can anyone get?

It doesn't matter though. I am alone as long as Faith is in her coma, and angel is in LA, seemingly ignoring me.

But I await one of the days when one shall return to me, and IU can claim some of my sanity back.

When one comes, it shall lead to the other, and maybe I will finally get a break.

It's not likely the way the Powers That Be use is.

But maybe...


End file.
